Motherhood and all its worries.

The title of this post encompasses my entire struggle with motherhood. 

I have always known I wanted to become a mother. I was so happy that falling pregnant, pregnancy itself and even giving birth was all free of any major issues. I was and am so grateful for this fact, as I know its not the same for many others. 

However once motherhood is upon you, you come to realise all the rest of it is only the beginning. 

I have struggled with depression in the past and with my first I did end up struggling with PPD. Now on to no.2 barely a year on, and probably not having actually let myself recover fully from the first time. This time round it seems I am struggling with something I have never done before. Anxiety. 

From the very first time I became a mother I have been riddled with self doubt. I knew what I wanted to do, how I wanted to parent, how I wanted things to go. I gave off this demeanour as though I knew what I was doing, I had read all the blogs, done all the research, I had looked after many a baby, in fact I'd practically raised my little brother. However, still daily I'd have this worry creeping inside of me... 

What if I spoil him... 

What if I'm doing it wrong... 

What if I give in this one time it becomes a habit.... 

It took me many tears and heartfelt broken conversations with my partner, about support and where my mind was at, until I slowly realised I needed to quieten the what ifs in my mind. 

I became stronger in my choices as a parent. Granted I think that's easier to say when you see results happening. I know many struggling mothers who have tried every trick in the book and can't get thier child to sleep/eat/talk. I can't imagine how disheartening that is, and I just hope you all have the courage to keep trying until something clicks and your what ifs quieten too. 

However now with number 2 in the picture my what ifs have become of a different nature. 

What if this is how hard it will always be...

What if my decisions impact him negatively...

What if me acting this way will effect him in this way.... 

What if I don't become the parent I want to be... 

My what ifs have become dangerous to my mental health. I worry daily that every single action I do will impact my child and I worry every minute of every day that it could possibly be impacting him negatively. 

If I give him lots of attention I worry that I'm not making him independent enough, if I give him less attention, I worry I'm not encouraging him enough, or even that I'm sending him the wrong message, that baby now gets more attention than you. I try so hard to not let jealousy creep in between my two boys. But I then worry I don't give enough open love to my second because I'm so worried about how my first will feel. 

I'm left in this utter negative space, this dark cyclical hole of anxiety. Of second guessing every action. Of making myself sad from the amount of unnecessary stress I'm placing on small small actions. I worry i watch too much TV, am on my phone too much, feed my child too many processed things, play with them too little or even too much. 

For many of a stronger nature these will all seem so trivial. So what if my child eats a little processed food? So what if he watches a little too much baby shark? So what if I'm on my phone a lot to cope with the loneliness of being a SAHM looking after 2 under 2? So what all the what ifs?.... Right? 

And the rational part of me tries to remind myself of this. My husband tries to remind me of all of this. However anxiety isn't always so rational. I've had a week or two where the worries have gotten the better of me and made me completely shut down. This caused even more anxiety as the what if became, what if all of this negatively impacts my child, all my crying, my lack of energy, my mood swings. 

I currently have my head above water and am no longer drowning in the what ifs. However I don't think I've reached the shore by any means. How did I get to this stage? I talked to my partner. A lot. I self analysed and spoke about all my fears. I took a break and went to visit my family for 2 weeks. I am in a better place, but the worries never stop. They're always there creeping. 

I think for me I have accepted that motherhood is a huge ball of worry. I think my nature doesn't allow for me to be any other way. But I also think that no matter how carefree and strong you are. Being a parent breeds this worry inside of you. You're responsible for another human at the end of the day and that isn't a small task. Thus I'm sure all of us parents go through this. For me though, the personal struggle is not letting those worries be the reason I break, the reason I stop enjoying motherhood and all its glories, the reason I let myself down. 

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