Why being a mother of 2 under 2 isn't as hard as they say it is, and why it is.
When I announced I was having my second child my first was around 7 months old. From the outset I heard more condolences than congratulations and I quickly became tired of hearing:
"It'll be really hard at first but it will be worth it in the end," - well... Is that not having children in general?
"You'll just have to make the baby cry loads and get it used to being independent." erm....is the second one somehow less deserving?
"Well at least they'll have each other growing up," - Hmmm never thought of that.
"I don't know how you're going to do it," To be honest neither do I, but there's a billion other mothers who do, so have a little faith?
It got to the point that around 8 months in, I had been on holiday, moved houses, overcome severe PPD, all while pregnant with a child younger than 1 and suddenly the negativity was getting to me. On a road trip with my husband I voiced my concerns; was I supposed to be more scared? Was I being naive? Would I cope? What have we done?
He talked me off the ledge and I came to terms with the simple fact that all new parents need to usually accept; You don't need to take everyone's advice on, take it all with a grain of salt.
So if you are expecting two under two, here's a list of hopeful reasons for why it isn't as hard as everyone makes it out to be.
You're already mentally in that zone. What is two nappies when you're doing 1 already anyway? What is a messy sleep schedule when you've either just overcome that or are still in it? What is weaning and feeding and changing and drooling and teething....? When it is what has been your whole way of life for a few months now. This was one of the motivating factors for me in having 2 under 2. I felt like I was still in that zone, I hadn't really got back myself fully to have to go through that entire phase again of... Oh shit, this is life now?!
Being a mother is the epitome of coping. No matter what situation you'll be faced with as a mother, being a mother of two only heightens your ability to cope. Sure there will be times of extreme difficulty. Where you'll wonder years down the line... How the hell did I do that, but in that moment you will cope. You will carry a 2 month old and a 1 year old down the stairs together, because both woke up from a nap at the same time and both need attention. You will do acrobatic breast/bottle feeding whilst also spoon feeding another because both are hungry at the same time. You will change 5 nappies in a row and probably a set of clothes too because your newborn had a blowout and pooped twice and so did your 1 year old. And as chaotic as all that sounds, I tell you from experience, YOU COPE!
The whole 1 to 2 jump isn't as drastic. For me anyway. When people ask, what's it like having two, is it harder? I honestly answer its not that much more difficult. And having spoken to other parents I feel I have this view mainly because of the small age gap between my two. I get stressed thinking about parents who have to wake up and get thier kids ready for school and drop them off with a newborn in tow, also having only had a broken few hours of sleep. It's comforting for me to know my two will be doing things at similar paces. Pushing each other, learning and growing together.
You will hopefully have 2 children who are each others best friends. I have yet to fully experience this. My first loves, adores and is very overprotective over his little brother. However they are only 18 months and 4 months currently. I have heard and seen many siblings of all ages with such an age gap and have always been left with a warm hope that both my children will play and grow together, experience life together, will always have each other. God willing. Which is a godsend as a parent, knowing that your child is occupied and playing, even learning skills like sharing, bonding, communication all from a young age at home.
You will be a stronger person at the end of it. It takes patience to have a child period. But to have 2, especially 2 that are so young. It really pushes your limits. There is no possible way you don't come out of it stronger. A stronger parent for sure, but also a stronger person. Your patience is at level 10 as you quickly learn that your toddler is still a toddler and needs babying in many ways too. Your physical strength is level 100 as you often carry both kids at the same time....because guess what, it's just easier than hearing them scream cry. Your reflexes are at level 1000 as you're well trained in the art of catching your toddler before he/she does too much harm to the little one, or even creates too much of a disaster while you're attending to the little one. Finally your internal strength is incomparable. You find that you are that supermum that you aspired to be. Not because your house is Pinterest clean, or your laundry is done and put away, or there's a home cooked meal every day, but rather because you got to the end of each day with 2 happy healthy children, with you sanity barely intact, but intact nonetheless.
Now having said all that, I am not an optimistic person by nature. I don't see the world as rainbows and sunshine, as I have experienced too much in my short few years to not be mentally prepared for the worst always. So here's the list of why things will be as hard as they say it will be, but I'll preface it with YOU WILL COPE.
It is so much. So many nappies, so much spit up, so many tantrums, so much effing mum guilt. It's all just SO MUCH. It is really a job that will push you to every brink. Your patience, your perseverance, your sanity all will be tested. You'll spend days just yelling, just crying, just stumbling through. The beginning is hard. Day by day its getting easier in some ways and more challenging in others. But it always feels like it's just so much. The laundry doesn't stop, the dishes keep piling, the floor keeps getting dirty, and they keep growing and keep learning. You're teaching abc's and also encouraging smiling and rolling. They're hitting milestones left right and centre and you're just trying to keep up behind them. It's a lot
It's so tiring. Physically I think we all understand that being a parent to two must be tiring. Being a parent to a newborn alone is a heck of a mission, let alone to a newborn and a toddler. You may deal with regressions of all sorts, there may be many obstacles. Jealousy, attention, tantrums, sleep regressions, food, teething, all times 2. Sleep is rare. Resting is rare. However the biggest aspect of this is how mentally exhausting it is. Yes you cope, yes you always get through it. But the journey through is like wading through mud; you come out the other end soiled and exhausted.
It's hard to find others who relate. For me I fall into such a minority that this has been a real personal struggle. I'm a young mum. A mum of 2 under 2. And also a Muslim/Asian mother. Draw yourself a 3 circle venn diagram and I'm that tiny little piece in the middle. This may not be the same for others, but I think it's good to mentally be prepared for some lonely times. Which leads to...
A lot of the time you're doing it on your own. I don't know about how much help you have. I envy the mothers who say, once a week I give one child to the in laws, or my partner works from home so I have help. For me, and maybe for most, the reality is that with 2 such young kids you're a stay at home mum with a partner who needs to work. On top of that, you either don't have family around or, family are genuinely very busy in thier own lives. I couldn't have mentally prepared myself for how hard this aspect would be, for how many times I would just silently cry because I needed just a little bit of help.... Or even a little bit of company. You quickly learn techniques to juggle doing things on your own. You teach yourself these things that seem insane from the outside, but in the moment it's what you had to do to get through the day. Infact sometimes whilst I'm performing these juggling acts and I want to cry from how hard it is, I remind myself that hopefully many years down the line I'll look back on this moment and wonder how the heck I did it, and I'll be proud of myself.
You feel guilty. This may not be for all but, throughout my life I've struggled with depression, however anxiety was something I'd never dealt with. Until baby number 2. And guess what? It wasn't even number 2 that was making me feel anxious, it was number 1. I felt guilty 24/7. No matter which child I give attention to, I constantly feel like the other is missing out. I worry on a daily that my first deserved more time solely for me to focus on him. I worry on a daily that my second is not getting what I gave to my first. I know that seems like a problem of having 2 children period. However there's A LOT of developmental leaps that happen in the first few years of your child's life. You guide them through learning to eat, sleep, crawl, walk, talk. There's so much to teach them and so much to encourage. As a parent you really have to be there for those early stages. And so when it's 2 going through these immense leaps together, you're left feeling guilty about how much time you gave to each, wanting to push your toddler to encourage speech, but push your newborn to encourage rolling/exploring. I'm hoping it gets easier, as they grow older the activities to help them grow and learn should become more similar. But at this point they're on two different pages of two very very important books and I hate the way I feel 70%of the time.
So those are my reasons for why it is and it isn't as hard as people make it seem. But before I leave you I wanted to point something out. As a writer I could have structured this piece so the negative came first and the positive last, left it all to end on a happy note however, I didn't. I didn't because the biggest reason why it isn't as hard as they told me it would be is because I was mentally prepared for the worst. Yes there are many positives to two under two, yes there are so many words of encouragement I can give you but, I'm a realist not an optimist. I am realistic about how hard it is, how hard it may continue to be. How things will not magically get easier as they get older, the challenges will evolve. But also knowing that I'm probably doing the hardest part now. I was realistic as I sat in that car ride, pregnant with number 2 and number 1 just turned 12 months, that this beginning stage would be mentally physically emotionally exhausting but that eventually I would look back on it and be happy; I just needed to cope and get through. I hope I will.
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